What I am Grateful for this Month [February]
Febuary has been an insane month, for all that it’s shorter than the rest. In the past 28 days, I’ve done a few things that I’m proud of, and many more that I’d prefer had never happened at all. I’ve never bought into the idea of regret – life only has one path for us to take once we’ve made decisions and we’ll never have the power to go back and undo our past actions. We can choose to change the way we behave in the present or future in order to make up for the bad choices of the past, but we can never erase those choices – and obsessing is ultimately futile.
It’s very comforting to me to be faced with situations that make me feel uncomfortable or stressed and then be able to remind myself that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. There’s purpose in this difficulty and eventually, when I look back, I will understand.
That’s the first thing I’m grateful for this month. The knowledge that depending on how you look at it, you can find good in most things because Allah (SWT) is not cruel and Allah (SWT) does not subject us to more than we can bear.
I’m grateful for my job. It’s often hard for me to be grateful for my job, because I find myself focusing on the hard parts of it, like the fact that it takes me away from writing, it’s high demand enough that I often collapse into bed at the end of the day, and it’s inflexible which means that I often turn down opportunities because I’m unavailable.
My job paid for the laptop I’m using to write this blog post. It pays for my food and my education and allows me to engage in a tiny bit of charity. The benefits of this job that I don’t often appreciate enough (because it’s hard) are numerous and they certainly do outweigh the drawbacks.
It’s still hard, and so I write about it to remind myself. It’s hard but it’s worth it. Alhamdulilah for the difficulties because with them come great reward.
I’m also grateful for my circle of friends. My schedule has gotten incredibly packed in the past few months and I’ve become that flaky friend who sends one message about every three days as a result, but the crowd I surround myself with are some of the most amazing souls. May Allah grant each one of them what their hearts desire and is good for them In Shaa Allah.
I could wax poetic for hours, but really all that needs to be said is that I’m surrounded by a circle who’ll help me pick myself up when I fall flat on my face and squeal with me when I see a kitten (even though not all of them are cat fans themselves). In return, I forgive them for their bad taste in not liking kittens – yet.
And then there’s my mental health. It’s been shaky for a while now – I’ve been writing about it, which is out of character for me. I instinctively try to shrug off the difficulty I face, because it’s embarrassing to admit that there are days when I feel off-balance and my emotions aren’t doing what I want them to. But then, I’m not ashamed of having physical health problems. I’m not embarrassed that my brain often throws tantrums that end in me swallowing a painkiller because OW, it hurts.
My mental health is in the toilet and it makes me irritable and scared. It’s also forced me to take a step back and examine my own behaviour more closely than I have in a long time. I look for reasoning these days instead of simply accepting what my emotions are telling me – because my emotions lie horribly sometimes.
Then there’s solitude. Solitude is a double-edged sword for me. I love it, on my own terms. I love the ability to make new discoveries on my own and I enjoy getting stuck in my own head probably too much to be entirely healthy. I don’t have the best relationship with solitude because it can be dangerous when my mental health’s not in the best shape. But I must remember that it’s not solitude causing the bad times. I pull away into the comfort of solitude when I’m stressed or hurting but it’s not the cause of that pain. Tt’s what I use to soothe myself.
I’m grateful for solitude – it’s where I take shelter when the world’s too busy and loud.
Lastly, (for this month) I’m grateful for the chance to try again. Perfection is unattainable for human beings – we’re flawed. That doesn’t mean we stop trying. All it means is that we forgive the mistakes and don’t allow them to become roadblocks in our paths. I’m grateful for the opportunity to keep going and improve as best as I am able. I’m grateful for chances. Alhamdulilah.
If you’d like to read January’s post, I explain a bit more about this series and why I began it.
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