Reciprocal love is something I forget about a lot. Love, I understand. I feel it, I write it, I know it. But that’s love as I feel it. It’s personal and it belongs to me. I also understand the love that exists between others. I’ve seen it, imagined it, even envied it during some especially low black moments.
But when I think about reciprocal love personally, on the odd occasion that I remember that that’s something I have the privilege of having in my life, I feel odd. It doesn’t particularly make sense that there are people in the world who love me.
I don’t understand why, is what I’m saying. Why do they love me? I’ve never been told. I’ve been told that I’m loved. But, for what? I know why I love the people I do, because of some amalgamation of their personalities, quirks and souls. But why do they love me? Do they love me or are they mistaken?
It’s not a particularly nice mindset especially as it devalues the feelings of some very important people in my life. Why do I feel like that? How does someone get to a point in their lives when the thought that the love they’ve put out into the world is being returned to them is strange and confusing?
Well… the easiest answer to give is that some people lie. Some people profess love that they don’t feel and others use love as a weapon to manipulate.
Reciprocal love is a beautiful thing. But it’s one that I haven’t quite wrapped my head around, in my own life at least. That’s tied to trust and worth and several other issues that I won’t go into right now. But I know that there are others in the world who also find it a tad difficult to accept the reality of reciprocal love as much as I do.
It seems… well, it seems too good to be true sometimes. Reciprocal love is a treasure and it can be frightening to accept it. That is, if it’s unconditional. Conditional love is somehow far easier to accept. It makes an absurd kind of sense – they’ll love me only so long as I don’t do this laundry list of things which they dislike or despise.
That sounds far more plausible than the idea of completely unconditional love.
As I write this, it seems a sad outlook to have. It’s pessimistic and self-deprecating. But unfortunately, knowing that a mindset is not the best one isn’t all that’s needed to change it.
It needs fixing. But how? How do you change such a mindset?
Trust and time… Finding it within yourself to trust the word of a person who loves you and the time you spend with them will help to make the idea of reciprocated love a little less strange and more applicable to your own life.
The Imperfect Muslimah 
Assalaamu alaykoum,
I haven’t been active on WordPress for a while but when I read this I just had to come and comment;
As much as I truly understand your point and your thoughts- they also occur to me- I wanted to tell you that you, just as much as everyone else, have the ability to bring happiness, comfort, and so many more positive things to other people’s lives.
I suppose it’s like wearing perfume; you often forget that you’re wearing it but others can smell it off you. We usually tend to see all our flaws, not realising that these are only a few facets of us as a whole person. Others are much more likely to see you as exactly how you are, at least how you appear to be. And they can see our good sides, which is why loved ones always point them out when they’re trying to comfort us, to remind us that we are not just this big mess that we imagine ourselves to be.
And so YOU are also worthy of love! I can tell just by the fact that you are a Muslimah, which means that ALLAH SoubhaanaHou wa ta’Aala guided you because He loves something in you! 😀 ❤
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