Quick bit of background for you all:
I started thinking about marriage as something more than the distantly hazy ‘one day’ milestone around a year and a half ago now. A little less than a year ago, I told my family that I was, in fact, interested and willing to get married.
The reactions were, well they were less than encouraging for various reasons. I fought very hard to get my point of view across for a few months. Then, I got tired. I gave up fighting and let the matter slide – it would happen when it was meant to, in the end. I didn’t have to keep fighting and explaining and justifying.
It didn’t happen – still hasn’t happened. What did happen was that I was introduced to the wonderful world of matchmaking. Now, in this time, I found myself getting stronger, spiritually. Things that I hadn’t agreed with and wasn’t comfortable with before became things that I would no longer tolerate because it was ‘the done thing’.
A few months ago, I’d given up on the idea of getting married anytime soon. And then, through social media, I found a post with the contact details of a great many matchmakers. I found myself making contact with them, hoping that perhaps something good might come of it. It couldn’t hurt, right?
Wrong.
This entire process has been stressful, tiring and demotivating. I don’t say that to discourage anyone reading this who wants to go the matchmaking route. Believe me, that’s in no way my intention. All I’m trying to do by writing this post is get a lot of feelings out there in a therapeutic way and give people a look into the not-so-rosy parts of the whole industry.
Now, we need to preface this by saying that I am 1. Unattractive, 2. Overweight, 3. Inflexible when it comes to dating or even chatting. Those three things are a large part of why things have not gone particularly well for me. If I had perhaps been flexible or beautiful, I would be writing something entirely different. But that’s not the case.
Throughout this journey, I’ve found myself relaxing and allowing things I shouldn’t – because I’ve been afraid that I won’t find anyone else. Because I’ve bought into the warnings that since I’m less than ideal, I need to take what I get and be grateful.
This is incorrect. For me, for you, for everyone. Don’t settle. Just don’t.
Settling for the least objectionable person you’ve been presented with, just because they’re better than anyone else you’ve found rather than because you’re truly happy to be with them – that’s how we create marriages made up of miserable people.
This blog post is a hot mess, but please take at least this much away from it: Don’t settle for the least awful. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to them. You deserve to be happy with your spouse and they deserve to have someone who’s happy to be with them.
I plan to step away from the world of matchmaking for a while – at least until it stops making me feel worse and worse about the thought of getting married at all. Perhaps one day, I’ll go back and find someone. Perhaps not. But at least I’ll know that I’m not dooming two people to misery because I’ve bought into the nonsense that time is short and any spouse is better than no spouse.
The Imperfect Muslimah 
Asalaam u alakuim.some what delayed and I stumbled on this article today. It sums my life pretty well lol . I’m going to email you to. this networking to stay positive in a world where thin and fair and style is the greatest asset and precious things like a good heart and excellent manners are forgotten we need to keep focused!!
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Reading this I feel like I’ve written this myself. Im in my 30s over the past 10 years I’ve had guys come home, but it never happened. I always thought because of my weight n im not the prettiest. But then I see girls skinny as hell n they also still unmarried. It truly is all taqdeer. But at same guys today are really fussy, they can’t look past the aesthetics. I totally agree with you about the matchmaking. It chips away at your soul. Leaving u more broken with each rejection. I would love to chat more. Please email me
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Maaf but I don’t have access to your email – WordPress keeps it. Also, you’re very correct that Taqdeer is all that makes the difference.
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Assalaamu ‘ alaykoum, your post brought tears to my eyes; please don’t say such hard things about yourself. You are so loveable Subhaan ALLAH! 💗 And a person with Noor in their heart and face can never be unattractive believe me. The beauty of the heart will always shine through ❤
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This comment is so sweet 💝 Jazakallah khair for being so lovely!
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Wa anti fa jazaakillaahou khayran Sis 😄❤🌸
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Reading this breaks my heart. My daughter who is a young teenager is also struggling with her weight due to a medical condition. I have tried to never label her as fat or even make her aware of it. She has height on her side which helps but unfortunately the world out there can be very cruel calling her names like fat and ugly. This broke me as all I see is a beautiful soul who is always giving and she has a wonderful sense of humour. I struggle everyday to get her to see herself as the person I see and not see herself in all these negatives.
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You’re doing amazingly well by emphasizing her good qualities to her. Remember, you’re opinion is one of the most important of all to her and if you make sure she always, always knows how much you value and love her, that will be something that reassures and boosts her for her entire lifw
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Sound advice Jzkll khair.
It’s a struggle though as something like this really lowers ones self-esteem.
I will however persevere❣
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Ameen ☺ May Allah make it easy for you 💞
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Ouch! This matchmaking thing sounds like it was a disaster. The raw emotion here…
You are beautiful dear. Beauty isn’t dictated by a number on the scale.
Insha’Allah you’ll get your Prince charming, without compromising on YOU…
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Ameen 💞
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You’re just as beautiful as your writing.. Promise..
When people bring up marriage, my response is always..
Whatever is meant for you will definitely reach you no matter what..
I legit do not know why many people are settling for anything and just getting married for the sake of it..💭
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You’re sweet 💞 Jazakallah khair 😊 I’d always thought that but somewhere along the way I lost it. I’m glad I’ve found it again
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I loved this post. Also knowingly as I do I’m so glad that you’ve decided not to settle. In the end it benefits absolutely no one. For now just try to enjoy your life and let your faith guide you.
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Great advice 👏👏 👏
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Omw this post touched my heart,although my situation was a bit different with my mom telling me not to be fussy and accept the first proposal that comes coz I’m ‘fat and ugly’ her words. Been through a very stressful time and after around two years alhamdulillah I got married.
Insha Allah you will find the best partner who will accept you the way you are,beauty isn’t only about having the perfect figure, true beauty lies in good character.I have not met you but through your writing I can SEE that u have a beautiful personality and whoever you marry shall be l lucky guy.feel free to drop me an email if you would like to chat .
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Ameen 💞 Jazakallah khair for being so sweet! I unfortunately don’t get to see email addresses but I’d love to chat – you can send me a message at theimperfectmuslimahblog@gmail.com 😊
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Message me? Please 🌸
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