Quick bit of background for you all:
I started thinking about marriage as something more than the distantly hazy ‘one day’ milestone around a year and a half ago now. A little less than a year ago, I told my family that I was, in fact, interested and willing to get married.
The reactions were, well they were less than encouraging for various reasons. I fought very hard to get my point of view across for a few months. Then, I got tired. I gave up fighting and let the matter slide – it would happen when it was meant to, in the end. I didn’t have to keep fighting and explaining and justifying.
It didn’t happen – still hasn’t happened. What did happen was that I was introduced to the wonderful world of matchmaking. Now, in this time, I found myself getting stronger, spiritually. Things that I hadn’t agreed with and wasn’t comfortable with before became things that I would no longer tolerate because it was ‘the done thing’.
A few months ago, I’d given up on the idea of getting married anytime soon. And then, through social media, I found a post with the contact details of a great many matchmakers. I found myself making contact with them, hoping that perhaps something good might come of it. It couldn’t hurt, right?
This entire process has been stressful, tiring and demotivating. I don’t say that to discourage anyone reading this who wants to go the matchmaking route. Believe me, that’s in no way my intention. All I’m trying to do by writing this post is get a lot of feelings out there in a therapeutic way and give people a look into the not-so-rosy parts of the whole industry.
Now, we need to preface this by saying that I am 1. Unattractive, 2. Overweight, 3. Inflexible when it comes to dating or even chatting. Those three things are a large part of why things have not gone particularly well for me. If I had perhaps been flexible or beautiful, I would be writing something entirely different. But that’s not the case.
Throughout this journey, I’ve found myself relaxing and allowing things I shouldn’t – because I’ve been afraid that I won’t find anyone else. Because I’ve bought into the warnings that since I’m less than ideal, I need to take what I get and be grateful.
This is incorrect. For me, for you, for everyone. Don’t settle. Just don’t.
Settling for the least objectionable person you’ve been presented with, just because they’re better than anyone else you’ve found rather than because you’re truly happy to be with them – that’s how we create marriages made up of miserable people.
This blog post is a hot mess, but please take at least this much away from it: Don’t settle for the least awful. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to them. You deserve to be happy with your spouse and they deserve to have someone who’s happy to be with them.
I plan to step away from the world of matchmaking for a while – at least until it stops making me feel worse and worse about the thought of getting married at all. Perhaps one day, I’ll go back and find someone. Perhaps not. But at least I’ll know that I’m not dooming two people to misery because I’ve bought into the nonsense that time is short and any spouse is better than no spouse.