Yesterday I went for my driver’s test for the very first time. I was incredibly nervous and I made dua all morning. I failed 4 minutes in.
I had spent the morning thinking to myself ‘if I don’t get it, it’s fine. Allah knows best.’ but every time I thought that, immediately after came the thought that I didn’t want to fail and also the feeling that it wouldn’t be fine. It would be awful.
I managed to ignore that feeling up until I did fail and had to deal with that. Failing ruined my day. I was in a terrible mood and I could not seem to shake it off. I was so disappointed that I had failed.
All day I had been telling myself ‘Allah knows best’ But I hadn’t been able to accept that until I sat down to think about it later. I had to remind myself that there was a reason I had failed. Perhaps failing prevented me from getting into an accident. Perhaps it was going to teach me to persevere. Perhaps it was so that I could examine my reaction and what was wrong with that reaction.
I hate failure. I’ve been conditioned to see it as something embarrassing and shameful rather than the normal part of life that it is.
It’s been pointed out to me previously that this mindset is wrong, that it is damaging. And I do agree with that. Failure is a normal part of life. But I still haven’t been able to get that straight when it comes to myself. I’m the first person to remind a friend that failing isn’t the end of the world but I forget to apply that in terms of my own life.
I’ll keep trying though. I’ll give myself a break and remind myself that as long as I do the best I can, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.